RAISING LEADERS FOR TOMORROW

BY DEBORAH K NKOBANE

 

“You may not always have a comfortable life and you will not always be able to solve all the world’s problems at one, but don’t ever underestimate the importance you can have because history has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own”. Michelle Obama

August being a month for women places an emphasis on females and their capacity in the different roles that they play. Women can play the role of mother, wife, daughter, teacher, nanny, counsellor, comforter and many other roles that could be assigned to them in different occasions. Women are tasked with the challenging task of raising leaders of tomorrow.

This is not an easy task as the children of today are faced with many challenges like bullying, peer pressure, sexual abuse, teenage pregnancy etc. Women need support and knowledge of the challenges the children face in their lives, to be able to assist them as they come across them.

A woman plays an important role in laying the required foundation for a child to grow and realize the dream to become a leader. It is important for women to understand the developmental stages of children, their emotional needs and to be there for them when they need you.

A child who is caught between the separation of their biological parents will need additional assistance to get through the experience. The attachment in their environment is compromised and this child feels alone and a need to choose sides.  The child might even feel responsible for the negative occurrences within the family. The child will need a social worker to understand, support, and assist her through intervention to get through the process. This child might wish to be a doctor one day to help people, yet finding herself/himself in a situation which hampers the potential to become a doctor. As a woman and a social worker it is my duty to conduct a socio – emotional evaluation to find out about the child’s emotional well – being and give the parents feedback and refer the child for therapy so that the negative experiences could be dealt with and the child can adapt to their new life and transcend to chasing their dream of finding their place in the world and accomplishing their dream.

A woman is described as strength of life, the rock of family, the gentle heart to her children, the tears to her parents, the joy to her soul mate, the inspiration at her work, support to and love of her friends, the mystique in society, the leader of love and life but she remains human. She cannot raise a child in isolation. She has a need for assistance. A man has an exceptional role to play in accordance with women in raising a child to reach their potential in being a leader future leader. It is important that they communicate accordingly and give messages of affirmation to assist the child in reaching their potential.

The necessity of security and stability in family life

Written by: Yolandi Singleton (Supervisor – Assessments and Therapy Unit)

June 2017

 

Every house or building has a foundation. The foundation anchors the home to the ground and carries the weight of the home. If the foundation is not solid, the home is at risk. Therefore it is essential to ensure that the foundation, which is the starting point of the house, is trustworthy so that the house can be stable. I would like to link the foundation and home scenario with that of family life.

Yes, we are all very different from one another and yes, we all have different qualities and needs that makes us unique. What I definitely know is that everyone has three things in common and that is that we all have thoughts, feelings and choices. Except for choosing our families. They are in our lives for a reason. To shape us and sometimes confront us with things we never even thought of.

Some people are fortunate to have loving and supporting family members even though that family will also go through trials and tribulations. They are able to stand up, support each other and move forward. Unfortunately there are also people whose families regularly lets them down, causing those people to never experience a sense of belonging. In other words, not having a solid foundation to take on the challenging life out there.

When we conduct assessments with the children it is really noticeable that children project a strong need for healthy and positive family functioning. During the assessments we show them pictures that revolves around family happenings and provide them with the opportunity to respond and share their stories, as it happens in their lives. Children can only share what they have been exposed to. We are sometimes saddened to see children not having an idea what to say about their families as there is no proper interaction. Or they share information that indicates a lack of care and support within the families they grow up. These children suffer the emotionally and struggle to find their place in their family and in the world. They do not know who they can trust and where they belong due to the animosity between their family members. Their houses collapse, figuratively speaking due to an unstable foundation. This causes children to struggle to concentrate at school, some even practice inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour. This happens on an unconscious level and they are actually communicating to the world that they are not okay.

Mia Kellmer Pringle (2006) talks about the emotional needs of children in her books. One of the emotional needs she points out is the need for children to experience security. She explains it by mentioning that children experience security when their parents are happily married or in a loving and stable relationship. It gives them a sense of normality and builds their foundation to have a positive outlook on life. It build positive perceptions on intimate relationships as well as relationships with other people.

Unfortunately as we all know, some marriages and relationships do not work out. The best thing to be done then is to put a plan together (through a mediation process and parenting agreement – as now offered by Child Welfare Tshwane) that suits all parties and creates minimum disruption for the children. We have to face that when parents’ relationships don’t work out, the ideal dream for their children has come to an end. Therefore it is important to put effort in to make the process as less traumatising for the children.

The role of the father in a house is to bring strength and provide direction to the family and lead by example. Their presence is much more important than we realise. Children need them. They have to teach their boy children to take charge and respect other people and show their daughters how they deserve to be treated by men or any individual they come across.

In this time with Father’s day at the front of our door step, we honour the fathers that support and act as the pillar of their families. We thank them for leading the way and show their families how much they care.

We also think about those families who mourn the loss of a beloved. We witness the impact it has on children when we do bereavement therapy groups with them. Let us remember that families can make or break us. If we can encourage one another to play a positive role in their families where the members of the family can feel safe and experience stability, I am sure that the foundation of that “house” (family) is strong enough to take on the world and its challenges out there.

Hope all fathers had a happy Father’s Day!!

 

Mother and child bond

The mother-child bond – care and nurture

Compiled by Yolandi Singleton: Supervisor – Assessments and Therapy Unit
May 2017

 

During this month (May), we celebrated and saluted the mothers of South Africa who manage to find their way to be a mother, despite the realities of poverty, unemployment, traffic, work stress, challenging intimate relationships and the rush to run a household, amongst many other “monsters” in their lives.

We see how difficult it is for mothers today to give their full attention to providing care and to nurture their children. These difficulties often include their inability to bond with their children. Mothers find it difficult to bond, often due to their own mothers being emotionally and physically unavailable to them during their childhood.

In South Africa we see how communities suffer due to the absence of strong male figures in families and the mothers then need to play both roles, leaving them distressed to fulfil the needs of their children.

In order to comprehend a child’s natural need to be cared and nurtured for by his mother, it is important to understand the biology behind it. When a mother is, pregnant there is, a mucous tissue called Wharton’s jelly within the umbilical cord that has a protective function for the foetus. Additionally, inside the womb there is a liquid called the amniotic sac that also has the function to protect the foetus. In other words, a child default need to be protected, cared for and nurtured develops due to the nature of the mother’s body providing them with that need even before birth.  After birth, it is essential that a mother shows affection to her baby, by holding the baby 15cm away from her face. Remember, a baby’s sight is limited. When a mother regularly touches her baby it creates a warm and secure relationship, setting the necessary foundation for the baby to grow as a confident young child and adult.

Now you may ask, how do I care and nurture my child? The answer is easy and yet quite challenging, but remains a conscious choice. Every child has the need to feel loved which means that a parent should spend time with them on their developmental level. By doing that, they will feel cared for. They also have the need to feel acknowledged by complimenting them and acknowledging attempts made by them. Show them you believe in them and get rid of the criticism. Show interest in the things they are interested in by being in line with the latest trends. Just imagine that you come home, telling your 13 year old child about a cool new app that might interest them. Really listen to them when they tell you something that is important to them. If you do not listen, they will lose interest in telling you things when they grow older. If they feel sad about something, just sit with them and resist the temptation to always be ready with advice. Maybe they just need your presence and time, so put that cell phone and tablet away. Set realistic boundaries for them. They will not understand the essence of it now, but when they grow older they will. Remember, we are not raising children, but future adults.

We have seen mothers through our Mama Zama programme engaging with their children through play and touch, leaving the child feel cared and nurtured for. Child Welfare Tshwane’s Family Preservation Programme aims to restore the bond between mothers and small children in order to build stronger adults and communities in the future.

Let us keep on investing time in our children’s lives by caring for them so that one day when they also become parents, they will be empowered to instil the same principles onto their own children. The foundation is in fact the most important segment in a child’s life. If we can achieve that, I believe that South Africa can become a country where there is peace and harmony.

Children spell love TIME

Time, the most precious gift

Written by: Yolandi Singleton (Supervisor: Assessments and Therapy Unit)

Dated: 13 April 2017

 

We often think and say that time is our biggest enemy. It must be that life has become so busy with lots of happenings around us that we then feel bombarded with many things on our plates.

Technology and the development thereof also plays a huge role in this as people are regularly busy to make sure they keep up with the latest trends to feel that they are not missing out on the world and what it has to offer.

Time is continuously reminding us of things that happened in the past, the present and what might happen in the future. We know that the past is not something we can reverse, even though we often want to. The future is out of our hands now, but what we do in the here and now will ultimately impact the future. Therefore it is important to focus on the here and now.

When we conduct therapy with traumatised children our strategy is to take them into a time of fantasy while exploring their life events and feelings and simultaneously keep them in the here and now. We attempt to offer them an opportunity and some time to find healing within themselves, but we also know they cannot achieve this healing process without the love and support from their caregivers and overall support system.

We often cry inside when we assess children, discovering that they feel lonely due to the adults in their lives not making time to spend quality time with them. Mia Kellmer Pringle (2013) explains in her book “The needs of children”, the 5 emotional needs of children which is relevant in all contexts when working and living with children. This author unpacks, amongst other needs, the need for love (we will discuss the other emotional needs in the blogs to come). It is a need that is met by infants from birth onwards and is something they depend on, on a daily basis from their parents. When this need is not met, children seek alternative ways to receive love, which could lead to unwanted situations.

When we say that a child is in need of love, it means that parents should spend quality time with their children in their life world. As adults we assume that children will enjoy certain activities we prepared for them and when they do not engage we think they are ungrateful. No, that is not the case, we need to think differently about this. Everyone has different interests and activities they experience as fun and enjoyable. Parents can therefore ask their children what they would like to do that is fun for them. That is really when children experience that their parents spend quality time with them in their world. When we conduct assessments with children we often find children saying that their parents do not play anything with them. However when we seek information from the parents afterwards, the parents are surprised by this statement, saying that they often do a specific activity together. When we then ask the parents who initiated the activity, the parents are eager to say it was them. We then encourage them to rather ask the child what they would like to do for fun and explain that children perceive this as love.

Let us embrace this special time around Easter and the long weekends to come to spend quality time with our children, who loves us unconditionally. Let us switch off our phones and other technology devices that keeps us so busy and steal the joy we could experience with the innocent gestures and laughter from our children.

Why am I a social worker?

By Suzanne Bezuidenhout: Social worker – Assessments and Therapy Unit at Child Welfare Tshwane

I am often asked why I chose to become a social worker.  Since I was a little girl I loved helping people. I have always enjoyed working with children and helping them and, for this reason, I believe that choosing this career I answer to my calling.

People are often unaware of the difficult and life-changing decisions social workers have to face on a daily basis. Social workers have to decide whether a child is safe in his current circumstances or whether that child needs to be removed from the circumstances.  Then the social workers are tasked with finding appropriate alternative care for that child.

Many people see social workers in a negative light, due to the difficult and somewhat controversial decisions they have to make in some cases. However, being a social worker means that one should accept that not all people welcome the assistance of a social worker. Being a social worker means that you get to meet the most vulnerable people. Even in difficult circumstance you build a meaningful connection with individuals that are often resilient and fascinating – you also learn from your beneficiaries.

Social workers choose to work within the human service field because they have a passion for working with those who are disempowered by their circumstances. Many social workers become social workers because of experiences in their own lives. This can contribute significantly to their success as they know and understand the circumstances that the beneficiaries often experience.

When we share the joy that change has brought to someone’s live or we guide a child towards unlocking his or her potential we know that we are indeed making a difference.  And isn’t that just what we all want from life?

This month I salute my colleagues in the profession who often put other’s needs above their own and celebrated celebrate Social worker’s day on 21 March.  I am proud to be a social worker!  

 

ITS CHILD'S PLAY

Literature points out that play allows children to use their creativity while developing their imagination, dexterity, and physical, cognitive, and emotional strength. Play is important to healthy brain development. It is through play that children at a very early age engage and interact in the world around them (Ness & Farenga, 2007). 

More often than other play events between children and their parents are controlled and planned with the specific intention to reach a specific outcome by the parent. Parents will for example initiate a game where there are specific rules in order to teach the child how to develop socially acceptable behaviour. As parents control and plan play, it often prevents children from spontaneously engaging in free play.

It is important for children to just play and develop their own skills as this make them feel powerful and enhances their self-esteem. Play can also be viewed as the process whereby children get to know themselves and reach an equilibrium within themselves. Parent-child play covers a reward system and this reward can involve the child receiving affection, acknowledgement or approval from the parent.

As the child and parent play together the child experiences fun and pleasure when engaging with someone they love. When a parent engages with a child through a game which the child chose, the child experience it has feeling loved by the parent as the child feels the parent understand his/her needs. The continuation of parent-child play can then progress into a secure attachment between the child and parent.

Let us therefore satisfy our children through their way of communication which is play and let us encourage all parents to spend quality time with their children in their world. That way, children will feel loved and understood and grow up to be confident adults whose needs were satisfied during their foundation years.